They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
whose ass print is on the piano?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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