I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
