im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
