The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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