i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
