So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
