Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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