My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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