My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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