If that was your dad, he is hot
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize