Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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