party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
