Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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