Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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