I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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