I met the friendliest cop last night
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
