I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to stop coming to work sober
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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