The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
