I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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