I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
