You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
