I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
