DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize