You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
