You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
