I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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