So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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