I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
