i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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