I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
