someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
