Pappa wants mamma naked
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
