Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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