I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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