I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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