how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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