bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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