I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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