tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize