gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
