need another drink. this is the easiest way
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
