I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
