i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
