Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
