i love accidental penises.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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