well I can't set my house on fire every night
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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