I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize