Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
