I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
