2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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