I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
