I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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