the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
