my shit smells like andre
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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