Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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