pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize